Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire
and nobody got scared.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go
swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out
of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be "Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something"
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save
money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray
vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd
say, "Aw &*$# you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to
the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your
partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind
him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker
that said, "I helped skin Bob."
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad
in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common
wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house
and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern
with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him
off right away.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off,
I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when
he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and
the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told
her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of
writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick,
but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of
the ones we already have.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that
$100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little
beds with my name on it.
